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The Contrasting Tale of Two Musical Christmas Nights

Two consecutive nights filled with music and lights…yet a world of difference.

First Night:
Last night, a group of YGC youths decided they wanted to attend the Paskuhan 2011 at UST. One of them invited me to join them.  At first I didn’t want to go. I was told that the celebration would go well into the wee hours of the morning. And that was all the reason I had to just go home and enjoy an early rest which I haven’t been able to do for some time. But that same reason was also what prompted me to finally go with them. You see, one of them lives on the other side of Manila. And it frightens me, as someone who has been held up myself at gunpoint/knife point three times before, to know that she would be going home alone at this time of night. She wasn’t afraid. In fact she had everything planned out ahead of time. Her mother would have to take the jeepney at around 12 midnight and pick her up at UST and accompany her home at around 1am. After knowing this, I was no longer just afraid for her, for now my fear was compounded for her and her mom. Having known this, my conscience would not allow me now to simply do nothing. I felt that it would somehow be part of my responsibility should something happen to them. And so I offered to accompany them and offered to drive them home for safety purposes. Besides, I told myself, four years I went to UST, not once did I ever attend the Pamaskuhan there. This is so typical of me, back in high school I never attended the prom nights. It was only when I was already a teacher that I finally attended my first prom. Four years in UST, I never attended the Paskuhan, now I finally have the chance to once and for all see what actually transpires there. (Come to think of it, four years in UST and I never once attended a UAAP game, even until today…maybe someday…)

We got to the Paskuhan around 9pm. Frankly, save for the magnificent firework displays and the wonderful light decorations at UST, everything else was a disappointment. There was nothing “Christmassy” about the Paskuhan. Their entire program that night was centered around the different bands that were playing there. They were professional bands by the way, ranging from Sandwich, Urbandub and others. Although most of the attendees were more than glad that they get to listen to famous professional bands for free, I was thinking, why on earth were they singing songs about Betamax (most of the kids there don’t even know what a betamax is anymore) and Pera Pera instead of Christmas songs. Actually they never sang a Christmas song nor anything remotely related to Christmas…not even one. And some of these songs were even crude and offensive. It’s a wonder how the organizers got the Pontifical Catholic University of the Philippines to approve of these songs and these bands…or have they even informed the school of such? UST remains one of the more conservative Catholic Schools…and to see them call such a sacrilegious   event Paskuhan or a Celebration of Christmas is a really a thinker. I left UST last night thinking, I didn’t miss out on anything during those four Paskuhan events at UST. Classmates and friends may claim Paskuhan to be fun and enjoyable…that to miss it would be to miss half of your life, but it was all vanity upon vanity…an exercise of nothingness. A tradition and nothing more.

Second night:
Tonight was different. I attended a school Christmas play at Hope Christian High School. I had to pay a substantial amount of money for the ticket just to get into this musical drama. As a school play, I guess you can’t expect the play to be as professional as you hope to get out from your money’s worth. These were not professionals…they were not even amateurs…They were high school and elementary students acting and singing their hearts out. For many of them, it was their first time to be involved in such a school activity. But this time, the whole event was catered towards an audience of One.  The play talked about family, forgiveness and faith. It illustrated the Mission, The Meaning, and the Messiah. Now this was a celebration of Christmas. I miss this kinds of play. Back in Tacloban, I not only watched these musical plays…but was part of the cast every Christmas. Those were some of my fondest Christmas memories. That’s why last Sunday when first I found out that Hope Christian High School was having this  musical play tonight, I just had to come. Tonight, the weather was rather rainy. Last night the weather was great. Had the weather been rainy last night, chances are I would not have put up with the effort to be in UST. But tonight, although the weather was not as cooperative as I had hope it would be…it could not detract me from attending the play. Allow me to share some of the wonderful lines from the play tonight:

“Throughout my existence, I have seen the Spirit of Christmas withstand many things throughout history. I’ve seen it overcome tragedy, poverty and oppression…and even those trying to stop Christmas. But one thing it cannot overcome is the cold heart…the dark heart that is closed to the Child who was born in the manger.”
-Bartholomew

“It’s funny some times that the most joyous season of the year, can also be the loneliest of the year.”                                        -Jenny

It is my prayer that we not lose sight of what Christmas is all about especially during this wonderful season. Let us not drown out the essence of Christmas with lights, gifts, toys and festivities. But that this Christmas we could once again look intently at the main reason for Christmas…that Christ may one day die on the Cross so that we might finally be reunited with God the Father.

Pass It On

November 1 has come and gone. As is my tradition, every November 1, I would join Youth Gospel Center in distributing Gospel Tracts at the Chinese cemetery. I have been doing this since my college days and it has now been part of my annual ritual for more or less 15 years.

This year, in the midst of giving away these Gospel tracts, I stopped and pondered upon this yearly activity. And I would like to list some of my reflections here:

1. I have been doing this tract distribution with Youth Gospel Center since 1996. Every year, the people who joined the tract distribution varied. Save for Pastor Melvin, all of my contemporaries from the 90′s no longer join our tract distribution. And every year as new kids take up the challenge to distribute Gospel tracts, there were also older kids who decide (for one reason or another) that it’s time for them to stop. This year was particularly unique in that save for Ptr. Melvin and myself, no one in the group had attended the tract distribution for more than two years. Meaning to say, most of them were actually new at doing this. In fact, this year, we lacked group leaders who could facilitate the teams. It was both a sad and exciting moment. It was sad because most of those who used to be so excited for the tract distribution every November 1 were no where in sight anymore. But it was also an exciting moment for me to see these youngbloods rising up to take up their own crosses for the sake of the next generation…that God has prepared the next generation of disciples who would take on the challenge of reaching out to the lost.

2. Secondly, every year, when Youth Gospel Center went out on our yearly tract distributions…it was always merging with some other churches. I mean there is nothing wrong with working together with the churches, after all that is the main reason YGC was created in the first place. However,during the last few years, the partnership with churches was mainly due to the fact that there were not many YGC members who were interested in tract distribution. And so YGC has to team up with UECP,MHCC and even GEC. I remember that when I first got involved in this yearly tract distribution, there were about 30 of us…all from YGC. We had so many members in YGC alone who were passionate about tract distribution so much so we could no longer accommodate people from other churches who might be interested to join. In fact, there was a time that we had to turn down some YGC members simply because we could no longer accommodate them.  I was really blessed this year when I got to YGC on the early morning of November 1 and saw that once again, the group was comprised of only YGC members.  Praise God! May God continue to raise more people who are passionate about reaching the lost for the glory of God.

3. I understand that tract distribution is not one of the most effective tool of evangelism especially in our generation today. I believe that the most effective tool for evangelism is still an in depth study of the word of God. So why on earth do we continue to do such an expensive endeavor (each tract would cost around 25 cents to about 2 pesos depending upon the quality of the tract printed) and such a tiring activity when there are other more effective way of reaching the lost?
a.) I believe that first and foremost, tract distribution is very helpful to us as believers, especially those of us who have not been trained in evangelism. That although we don’t know how to share the Gospel, we could still fulfill the great commission in this simple way.

b.) I believe that for those of us who have become well-versed at sharing the Gospel, tract distribution helps us realign our reliance on the Holy Spirit. You see most methods of evangelism has in our age become an art. As long as you say the right words…as long as you ask the right question…as long as you know psychology…we have been falsely promised a positive result. And so we go through weeks and weeks of endless memorizations and trainings to better understand the do’s and don’ts in evangelism. And sad to say when evangelism is reduced to an art, it becomes a skill that can be perfected. And with confidence in our abilities to share the Gospel, many of us actually forget that above and beyond our abilities to share the Gospel, the Holy Spirit is the One who plays the most important part in evangelism. But not so with tract distribution. You simply hand out these leaflets. And you simply pray that the Holy Spirit work through the tract. It doesn’t depend on your communication skills. It doesn’t depend on your ability to entertain. It doesn’t depend on your oratorical skills. It doesn’t depend on your ability to argue and defend your faith. It doesn’t even depend on your ability to reason and convince them that your God is the One true God. You simply rely on the Holy Spirit to touch this man’s heart to read through the leaflet and surrender his life to the Lord. I guess we all need this little reminder.

c.) Lastly, I believe that Gospel tract distribution is also a blessing for us Christians today. You see many of us Christians today have already succumbed to the idea of tolerance that is being subtly injected into our churches by postmodernists. We are told over and over again that we are not to offend people from other religions. We are not even to tell them that they are sinful. That as Christians we simply need to fulfill our weekly attendance and our duty to Christ is completed. We have developed this “Respectable Christian” persona. That to be seen distributing Gospel tracts is to be thought of as forcing one’s religion down someone else’s throat…and that is offensive. And so many Christians today simply talk about the Love of God. We only want to dwell in the comforts of our cliches and jargons and Church activities. And this is sad because the Bible did view the Christian life as a continuous warfare. In the midst of wars, we don’t care about being respectable. We slay the enemy. We fight the fight. To remain passive…To remain defensive…To remain respectable…is to be defeated…destroyed.  I believe we have to be reminded of this over and over again.

NOTE: NOT FINISHED…NOT EDITED YET.

Vulnerable…

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” This is a quote from a poem written by Marianne Williamson entitled ‘Return to Love’. This poem was made popular through the quotation made in the Hollywood movie, “Coach Carter”.

Indeed my greatest fear is not that I am inadequate. My deepest fear is that I am powerful beyond measure. However, that is as far as I would agree with the poem. Because it is not the light within me (which is actually sometimes hard to find) that I fear most but the darkness (which is present within more often than not) that is within me.

I have seen how wicked the hearts of men can be over and over again. And this is a constant struggle for everyone even among the godliest of men (check out my blog entry, Shattered Glass).

And what broke my heart is the reality that my deepest fear is grounded in my power-beyond-measure, not to achieve greatness, but rather to destroy everything around me.  More and more I am beginning to see how easy it is for our life to spiral out of control and destroy everything around us. A careless word…a scheming mind…and this world becomes a hell in an instant.

This week, with all the good intentions I had to help a friend, everything went awry. And the damage caused may be irreparable. I guess only time will tell. But it showed me how the path lined up even with good-intentions can actually end up destroying more than just both parties. And it is really scary. It frightens me out of my wits to think that one single word could cause so much pain and damage…that one doesn’t have to pick up a weapon or load a gun to hurt others.

But realizing this is pointless if this will only end up as nothing more than yet another blog entry into my Cold Winter Blasts category. I have to change…from within. Rather, I have to allow God to change me from within.

I have never considered myself as a man of God. Others may think I am, but I could not stomach that title knowing what lurks within my heart. The fact is, I was unanimously nominated for ordination 4 years ago. I had to decline the nomination. I couldn’t see myself carrying the title REVEREND. And maybe I never will. The reality of our sinful nature was too real in my daily struggles that to be called a reverend would feel like a double slap to the face of God. As a pastor, I know my weakness. I know I am far from perfect. And like the Apostle Paul, I could only but shout, “Oh who would rescue me from this body of death?”

It is for this very reason that I cringe whenever I see the modern day Christian doing their Praise and Worship, where celebration is highlighted throughout and repentance and brokenness (which once so characterized our Worship) are forgotten and neglected. Could it be that Christians today don’t see the inner battle between the spiritual life and the sinful nature anymore? Or has it come to a point where Christians has been so numbed by years and decades of sinful compromise that the inner struggle is now treated as negligible or even non-existent…that the norm of the modern-day Christian has been to compromise than to struggle on towards victory?

Father, as long as I am in this body of death…I will have to continually struggle to remain holy and pure before You. I know it is never easy. Help me not give up the fight and continue to endure hardship like a good soldier of Christ. Help me find joy in remaining holy and pure before you and that Your joy in my victory would indeed be my strength to carry on the fight. Father take every part of me and consecrate if once more…
Father, my heart is broken over the misery I’ve brought to the people around me be it through good intentions or otherwise. Make it up to them O Lord, for all my misgivings. And in understanding the reality of my own sinfulness, help me Lord  to be more forgiving and understanding towards others who have fallen into sin as well. Thank you for loving me in spite of me.

Books! Books! and Books!

Last week, I had the chance to visit the book fair at the SMX. Being a book lover, it has actually become a yearly tradition for me to visit the book fair. Well, last week as i was walking around the fair, a thought just came into my mind: Praise God salvation isn’t earned with knowledge. And I guess that thought didn’t go away. I pondered upon it and reflected upon this thought over and over. And I would like to share those thoughts here.

A few years ago, I came across a caption that said, If our greatest need was knowledge, Jesus would have come as an educator. But our greatest need was salvation and that’s why He came as a Savior instead. And it got me into thinking, what indeed if our greatest need was knowledge? What if knowledge is to be the key to our salvation? What if knowledge is indeed powerful enough to gain us access to the pleasure of a Holy God?

As this thought lingered in my mind around the fair, I suddenly felt the burden and the frustration that would come on all humanity if that were true.

If salvation indeed came through acquiring knowledge then what great burden it would be. I see five very burdensome reason should salvation come through acquiring knowledge:

First, It’s impossible to read all the books in the world. It is just not doable. As I was walking about the fair, I was trying to imagine what it would be like to try and read each and everyone of these books present at the fair. There must have been hundreds of thousand of books present in the fair. And the funny thing is that these books at the fair (as many as they are) were only a tiny fraction of the total number of books in this world.
Secondly, even if someone did finish reading all the books in the world. By the time he finishes, there would already be millions of new books written at the rate of book publishing is going these days. It is simply an undoable task…a burden!
Thirdly, imagine the cost one must pay for knowledge. At the fair, I was trying to find a book on Quantum Physics (I don’t know why but I have suddenly developed this fascination to try and read on this subject). When I found the book I wanted, the price of the book shocked me. The book was just about half an inch thick and yet it costs more than 15,000 pesos. That was the price of one single book! Imagine trying to buy ALL the books in the world. You also have to factor in the needed funds to search out the rare books. You would need to travel to remote places in the world just to secure these books. Even if you are the riches man in the world, you wouldn’t be able to afford all the books in the world.
Fourthly, in order to be able to read all the books in the world, one has to be equipped to understand all the languages (including the dead languages) in the world. Again the expenses and time needed to accomplish this makes it impossible to do so.
Lastly, even if you could acquire all these books and read through all these books (which I believe is impossible). By the time you gained every available knowledge, you would have been too old to do anything about the knowledge that you have. You would have been useless all your life doing nothing but read and read.

No wonder, Solomon, the wisest man alive, wrote in Ecclesiastes, of the writing of books there is no end. Too much study wearies the body.
Aren’t you glad that salvation doesn’t require us to go through all these trouble. That in order to be saved,
1. we simply have to believe that Jesus is the Son of God,
2. we simply have to believe that He died on the cross to take away our sins that we could once again have the relationship with God that we lost when Adam sinned
3. we have to make Him the Lord of our everyday lives and live our lives in such a way that pleases Him and glorifies Him.

Father, thank You not only for preparing the way for us to receive eternal life…but also for making salvation so easy for us to acquire…that Jesus already took on the hard part of dying on the cross for our sins.

Shattered…

Have you ever seen a shattered glass? What once was whole, now in thousand pieces. And no matter how good you are at trying to put the broken pieces back together, something will always be amiss. You see when a glass gets shattered, it will never be whole again. It can never go back to how it used to be again. Cracks will make sure of that. Chinks will manifest like scars that will never heal.

We all have certain people in our lives that we look up to. They are the giants that stood the ground and made themselves heard. They are the models we hope to become. They are the footprints we hope to follow in. They are our ideals manifested and personified. They are our heroes. They are the reason we believe that tomorrow will be better. They are the reason we continue to believe in ideals in spite of this crummy world we live in.

As a young man, my heroes were the pastors who chanced upon my life and decided, ‘here’s a soul too valuable to neglect.’ They came and left impressions of an ideal man of God…men worth following…men worth emulating. They were larger than the ideals itself. They talked about servanthood. They emphasized on sacrifice. They made a great fuss over integrity and holiness. They got me looking at the possibilities…They got me wanting to one day be just like them serving God faithfully…following Jesus, with the cross before them and the world behind them. No turning back! No Turning Back! They gave my heart a burning desire to suffer for Christ. To live and to die for the sake of my Master. Indeed they were the giants I look up to. They were my heroes…until…

Indeed, I took up the challenge. I walked in their footsteps…hoping I could one day be God’s little giant to others as well. I became a pastor myself. And that was when the glass started to crack. Those who were once giants to this little boy were now simply co-workers. And now being equal…being co-workers with my heroes…I am given the privilege (how I wish I could reject this privilege given me) to behold the scenes that go on behind the curtains. And contrary to what I expected, the scenes easily became the shock waves that weakened the glass. That’s when reality came face to face with the ideals. And I found that the reality failed to live up to the ideals. The godlike wizard of Oz turned out to be nothing more than a simple wimp hiding behind obscurity. One by one, you find out that these so-called heroes are no different from you…warts and all. One by one, you lose respect for your beloved heroes. One by one, they end up failing you and disappointing you.

I am no longer the child who thinks the world of his father…who believes his father to be a superman. I grew up.

This week, the final blow came and shattered the glass for good. Some information fell upon me regarding a couple of pastors that I look up to. And it broke my heart to hear about circumstances (enticed by gold, glory, girls and godlessness) surrounding them. They were suppose to be the spiritual leaders of the Church. They were suppose to be the guardians of truth. They were suppose to be the reflection of God’s holiness (as much as possible). And yet this information tells me they couldn’t be farther from their roles.

I know that they are only human like me…frail and weak. As much as I do not want to pass judgment on them, I can’t help that a part of me felt betrayed by these people I once called mentor, teacher, pastor and friend. These people who were supposed to be the embodiment of my ideals. And it hurts…a lot.

I am not writing this blog to pass judgment down on them. I am however, writing this blog as a warning to myself, who is, as of the moment, also a pastor myself. If these people I look up to could fall from grace…If these very people I highly esteem could stumble and fall…how much more a dirty old worm like myself. I should never let my guard down, the devil is like a roaring lion looking for whom he may devour.

Father, guard my heart for it is deceitful above all things. Search my heart constantly and know my thoughts regularly. Should I begin to stray, let your discipline fall hard on me immediately that I may not go far. It is only by Your MERCY, not even grace, but only by Your MERCY that I can still be blameless in the eyes of man today. You, however know the darkness deep within my heart. I pray that that darkness will never be able to surface again. Take my heart, it is Thine own. Let it be Thy royal throne.
Father I would also like to lift up in prayer these pastors who are going through this troubled times today. I can’t begin to imagine what they are going through. For what troubles them in this world fails to compare to what troubles them within their hearts, where You reside. Lord have mercy on them. Let Your love slowly bring them back into Your will. Restore them to a state of holiness and innocence…that they may be white as snow once more.
Father for those whose faith were shaken as a result of these pastors…I pray that You would continue to be the Anchor of their souls. Help to see not with their eyes but with their faith in You. Let them not grow weary in doing right, that through this they might be even more careful as to how they live…not to please men, but to please You their Lord and King.
Father , I would like to especially lift up in prayer those whose glass generally has not been shattered yet. Thank You for protecting their faith. Keep them continually in a state of bliss and innocence. Protect them from the betrayal that only a leader they look up to could commit. Bless their leaders for being faithful to You. And I pray that they would indeed continue in faithfulness. Let their love for You drown out anything this world has to offer.

Miss You Like Crazy

Three straight Sundays…For the very first time, I had nothing to do on a Sunday afternoon for three straight weeks but to go home directly.  Yesterday, when I realized that it was my third Sunday afternoon of being alone…it just dawned on me how empty life really is without a close friend…a buddy…a chum. It wasn’t always like this, mind you. I had my girlfriend for most of last decade. Every Sunday afternoon was exciting and enjoyable. It was always something I look forward to. But even after she was gone…I had someone to spend my Sunday afternoons with. I didn’t even have to think…after church, I would always be heading towards YGC.

I just had to insert this picture here in the blog. This is one of the shows that we both collected and enjoyed watching over and over.

You see although I have a lot of good friends (even among my students and the gutzies) in my life, I had only one very close friend…someone who knows my heart…someone who shares my hobbies…someone who would go through the dessert just to bring me a glass of water (or coke!). With him, I could share my burdens and fears. You see, being a pastor…being in the spotlight…there are a lot of things that I am not at liberty to talk about. I am supposed to be the sober one when everything seems awry. I am supposed to be the logical one when everyone is in panic. I am supposed to be the beacon of light my flock looks to in times of difficulty. And as such, there are times when showing of emotion and doubt…of fear and uncertainty…should not be part who we are in front of our flock. And it is these times when I thank God that there is someone outside my flock I could talk to…I could remove all pretensions with…I could be the child that I really am, weak and sometimes confused as well. You can’t begin to imagine the relief that comes with admitting my own distraught openly. Being a pastor, I had to carry the burdens and the problems of each individual sheep. Those burdens alone are enough to weigh even the strongest of warriors down. But those were not the only burdens that haunt me on a daily basis. I have to carry my own burdens as well: Problems at home; Problems of the heart; Fear of the future. And it will indeed wear just about anyone down. But by the grace of God, there is always this someone who willingly share my burden with me…someone who refreshes my soul…someone who allows you to fly in spite of the heaviness of your heart.
You could just begin to imagine what I’ve lost a couple of months ago, when he finally migrated to Australia. It’s been more than 15 years since we first met and hit it right off back in our SG days in college at YGC. At that time, the only thing we had in common was our love for puzzles and math problems and our dislike for veggies. But in spite of our differences (he was a die-hard episcopalian, while I am a baptist at heart) More than anyone in SG, he became my closest friend. With him, it was easy to talk just about any topic under the sun. I learned a lot from him. He taught me the importance of considering every possibility first before making any decision. He was always the open-minded one (unlike me who easily jumps into conclusions).

When I heard his decision to leave was final, I felt a part of me was about to die…much like when my girlfriend and I broke up. I made it a point to spend those last few days he was here in the Philippines with him.

As I look back at all this, the Lord reminded me again that that’s the way of life. People will come and go in our lives because what we have now is simply temporary. One day all our relationships will come to a conclusion here on earth. We can’t hold on to any of them. We have to learn to let go and move on. We just have to learn to thank God for sending someone great who spiced up our life at one point in time, if even just for a short while. The Lord reminded me to instead look towards the coming age, when there will be no boundaries to mark off territories, when there will be no more deaths and sickness to cut short relationships we’ve protected with our lives, when there will be no more end in the glory land that outshines the sun. And what’s more…is that there we will finally meet and forever be with the Friend that sticks closer than a brother…the Lord Jesus Christ, our Friend above all friends.

Father, thank you for the gift of friends…especially the great ones who not only passed through in our lives but forever etched their presence in our hearts. May You fill our days with more of this kind of friend!

The Prayer of a Dejected Man

In my distress, I called to the Lord and He answered me.
From the depths of the grave I called for help and You listened to my cry.
You hurled me into the deep,
into the very heart of the seas,
and the current swirled about me;
All your waves and breakers swept over me.

I said, ‘I have been banished from Your sight
yet I will look again toward Your Holy Temple.’

The engulfing waters threatened me,
the deep surrounded me;
seaweed was wrapped around my head.

To the roots of the mountains I sank down;
the earth beneath barred me in forever.
But you brought my life up from the pit, O Lord, My God!

“When my life was ebbing away, I remembered You, Lord.
and my prayer rose to You, to Your Holy Temple.
Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be thiers.
But I with a song of thanksgiving will sacrifice to you.
What I have vowed I will make good.
Salvation comes from the Lord.”

- Jonah 2:2-9
One of the most beautiful prayer in the Bible
Uttered by a man who was at the end of his rope.

Waiting in Vain

I have been waiting for him to return. It’s been years now since he left. The years have been hard on me since he left my side. And yet each morning, I wake up with renewed hope…hoping that this would be the day he would return. Each new morning brings a new promise…a promise of unspeakable joy…a promise of unparalleled happiness…a promise that would find fulfilment upon his return. But as the sun sets each day…a shadow of disappointment covers over me. As each day came to a close, waves of doubt clouds through my mind…will he ever think of me…will he ever want to come back to me? Am I just waiting in vain? Am I just chasing after phathoms in the night? Am I just wishful thinking? But with each new day, I wait. Whether he comes or not, I shall wait. In vain or not, yet I shall wait. And wait I did.

Waiting until that very day when a shadow appeared for the first time in that distant horizon.

There, I saw him walking. The man whose eyes once gleamed with so much pride…now with his face to the ground…dejected…walking, ever so slowly. It’s been sometime…no…it’s been a very very long time since I last saw him. He used to be my pride and joy. He used to be so cuddly and never fails to bring a sparkle to his mother’s eyes…and pride to his father’s heart. He used to be so full of life…so vibrant…and in his eyes…you could see the innocence that is sparkling within his inquisitive voice. So full of hope…so much ahead of him. But that was then. Today, as he appeared in the horizon, I nearly did not recognize him. As he took each reluctant step closer towards me, I could barely keep my tears within me. Wh…wha…whaaaat has happened to you? Clothed in dirty shags…smelling worse than those dirty dogs on the streets. What has happened to you? Who has robbed you of your precious innocence…that innocence that your mother and I have fought so hard to protect? He was a broken man…and nothing could have prepared me for that sight that day…nothing could have protected my heart from being broken this way as I saw him this broken. Nothing else in this world could tore my spirit save to see him this way. And I ran as I never did before…took him in my open arms and gave him the tightest and warmest hug that he had ever felt.

Yet to my amazement, he pushed me off…and started falling on his knees…crying as he had never cried before. “I…have sinned…I…am no longer…(sigh)…worthy.” Without even the slightest dignity to raise his eyes towards me…he continued mumbling in his now coarse and broken voice…”Please take me…I’m willing to be your slave…I’ll do everything you want…just give me some bread.” The honor that once filled his life is today without a trace. And all he could do was beg…plead.

I stood there…knowing…that there were no right words for a moment like this. To speak is to desecrate the holiness of the moment. I have a lot of great things to tell him. I have a lot of gifts for him. I have a lot of wisdom to share with him. But now is not the time. There will be other times for those. So I gave him what he needed the most at that time… a second chance. I stooped down and hugged him just like any father would do…when his son comes home…prodigal or not. That simple act told him everything. “Welcome home, my son…my son…my beloved son. Long have I waited for this moment.”

How about you? Have you decided to go back to your ever-waiting Father? Or will He be waiting in vain for you? God loves you and it breaks His heart everytime we depart from Him…everytime we go on our own destructive ways. There is only one thing that hurt God more than to see His children falling deeper and deeper in the pit and that is to see His children falling deeper and deeper into the pit without knowing it. If God is not a God of second chances, then He is not a God of love. Whatever you’ve done…no matter how evil it may seem to you…He will take you home…if you let Him. Go through Romans 8:38-39 and experience that wonderful love of God for the first time all over again. I have and it has changed who I am. And it can change you too.

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the Love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
- Romans 8:38-39

Tell me Where Did I Go Wrong?

Have you ever wondered why teachers would return our test papers after correcting them? They are not for us to review on how correctly our papers were graded, as many seem to assume. But I believe that the main reason this tradition is being followed is for the student to understand where he made mistakes and to make mental note of not repeating the same mistakes again in the future. That’s why when test papers are being handed out, the first thing I look at were my mistakes…not my grade…not the teachers ‘well done’ comments…but my mistakes. And I do make sure that the mistakes I made in that particular exams won’t be repeated again in the future. Somehow seeing those mistakes right before your very eyes creates a very deep impression in your mind…imprinting it into your mind so much so that you seem to remember those mistakes more than you would those you’ve gotten right. Sad thing is that most people don’t care about those mistakes anymore. Exams are done. I don’t need these infos I’ve stored in my short-term-memory-bank anymore. And so, many students today, pass their exams with high scores and yet never really learned anything. That’s probably one reason why review centers are earning big bucks these years. A few decades ago, we didn’t have any review centers…nor did we see a need for them. But I guess times change.

Someone once said that we are stronger because we have memories that we can never forget. I guess what the author meant by this statement is that we have failures to look back to that could help us become better for the future. The sad part is the human nature doesn’t seem to want to remember past failures. We talk about the good old days. We revel in our trophies and accolades. But seldom do we look back and remember our mistakes and failures. And I guess the saying is true…people who don’t care about history are bound to repeat its mistakes.

The biggest problem with Christians today is somehow related to this thought. We have come to a point where we have placed Christianity on the pedestal of celebration and excitement. There is nothing wrong with celebration for Christians per se. The Bible did command us to rejoice and to sing songs of praise…to enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise and to shout God’s praise. However, the problem has always been leaning too much on one side of the pendulum. The Bible did command us to also have a broken spirit and a contrite heart…to be sober and to understand our unworthiness before a great and holy God. But somehow, we have forgotten this side of worship. We have forgotten that worship is both understanding our unworthiness as much as giving honor to Him who deserves our praise. And it always bleeds my heart when Christians prefer to dwell in the loudness and tempo of what they have come to term ‘praise and worship’ over the need for solitude and serenity of silence and reflective music. Hence we have lost the one component that produced the spiritual giants of history…contemplation/meditation/internalization. And this is the one component that we need the most in this chaotic, confused, post-modern generation. No wonder we aren’t making so much as a dent in this generation. No wonder many of us have been running around like headless chicken. No wonder many of us have been turning our churches into businesses and our church ministries into variety shows. No wonder the church is no different than the world today.

The Apostle Paul clearly knew the importance of understanding where we came from. He kept reminding his Ephesus readers, “You were once dead in sin….You were once children of darkness…” He didn’t want them to forget who they were. They were sinners. They were hopeless. They were lost. Only by remembering our failures do we win against our presumptuous nature before God. Only by understanding where we came from can we approach the throne of grace with humility. (But the Apostle Paul didn’t end there. He didn’t stop with simply telling them who they were, He went on to tell them who they are…’but now you are alive in Christ…now you are children of light’. If we only keep remembering about our failures, we tend to get frustrated…and disappointed with ourselves. We need to balance that with understanding who are in Christ…the hopes we have in Christ. Only then will be have joy and victory.)

As Christians, we need to come to the Lord without any pretensions. Do not let the loud noise of our worship cover up the problems within. Let us not hide in the joys of each celebration. But rather open our hearts as we evaluate and re-evaluate our spiritual walk with God. Before God, we are an open book…we can’t hide our failures before Him…the sooner we acknowledge our failures, the better off we will be.

I really like these two songs by Keith Green. I have come to love his songs since I was in high school. He doesn’t have a qualm about being honest before God. He was honest enough to admit his weakness and his struggles. And I think it is really helpful if we could learn from Keith.

My Eyes are Dry

My eyes are dry, My faith is old
My heart is hard, My prayers are cold
And I know how I ought to be
Alive to you and dead to me

Oh what can be done for an old heart like mine
Soften it up with oil and wine
The oil is You, Your Spirit of love
Please wash me anew
With the wine of Your blood

Until that Final Day

My flesh is tired of seeking God but on my knees I’ll stay
I want to be a pleasing child until that final day
My mind is full of many thoughts that clutter and confuse
But standing firm I will prevail, In faith that I will be used

Amen, I’m asking once again
Won’t you help me my friend, Lord Jesus
Holy, Lord Spirit set us free from chains we cannot see
Come release us

I wrestle not with flesh and blood
My fight is with the one
who lost the keys of hell and death to God’s most precious Son
One sleepless night of anguish prayer I triumph over sin
One battle in the holy war, God’s promised me to win